STFU!

One annoying trend among businesses that I've noticed is the long phone answering statement. No matter what type of business you call these days they always have some endless stupid selling statement that you have to listen to. I'm sick of it.

The other day I called a restaurant and was greeted with:

Good Morning, Thank you for calling the Crappy Chain Restaurant, serving breakfast, lunch and dinner daily with specials starting at $5.99. My name is Happy Hostess. How may I assist you?

First, can you shut up so I can talk, thank you, and second, I would appreciate it if you would answer the phone before it rings seven million times because you're spouting some crap I don't need to hear?

Here's what they should say: Thank you for calling the Crappy Chain Restaurant. PERIOD.

You don't need to say the time of day, I have a watch.

I don't need to know what you do. You're a restaurant. You serve food. I know that. I called you.

I don't need to know who I'm talking to and if I do, I'll ask.

And lastly, you don't need to ask me how you may assist me, I'll tell you without prompting.

The reason I mention is that hotels are part of this trend. I called work to get my schedule and the phone rang 36 times before someone answered. 36! It happens a lot and people wonder why business is down. When your customers can't get ahold of you they can't come visit and spend their money. Sure they can do things online but some people, especially older customers with money, like talking to a real person who knows what they're talking about. Of course, those are in short supply because with cost cutting hotels have consolidated most of their phone services but that's another post.

RULES FOR GREAT SERVICE, RULE FOUR

RULE NUMBER FOUR: KNOW EVERYTHING

I strive to offer my customers the best possible service and in order to do that requires an extensive array of knowledge.

Here are some of the things that I find are necessary to know.

Where the pool is. Guest ask this even if they can see the pool on the way to their room they ask where it is. I don't know why.

What the restaurants serve. Guest often ask about the restaurants in the hotel, as if I eat there daily. I have never eaten in any of the restaurants but I always make sure I have a dish ready to recommend. I just ask the chef what dish he makes the most money on.

Understand how computers work. I can lug at ton of shit all the way to someone's room, put it away, tell them about the hotel, the city and the history of the world and it's worth a few bucks to someone. But if I can get a techtard online, it's worth at least a ten. I make more money doing side work helping people with their stupid computers some days than I make doing my main job. For some reason people don't value HARD work but think that easy stuff like tech jobs are worth money. It's idiotic but that's how it is. I could make more money doing tech as a professional but that's so damn boring I'd probably kill myself after a week. Maybe that's why it pays well: high turnover.

Know who to refer guests to. I cannot do everything for people; my time is too valuable. So, I make sure that guests know who they need to contact when they want certain things. For local info about nice restaurants, call the concierge. If you want to know the best place for a burger and a beer, I'm your man. If you want to a hooker, call the doorman. He's the only guy here who pays for sex. If you want a horny tramp who will put out for free after just a couple drinks, call the doorman's sister. I've got her number.

Finally, know who you work for. The hotel is where I work; the guests are who I work for. The hotel wants me to do all these little side things but if they get in the way of my doing services for my guests I politely demur. They think I owe them because they pay me the least that the law will allow but I know better. The guests are the life blood of our business and I've got to put them first and foremost at all times because I've never gotten one tip from management. If they ask you to do a little tedious job, just tell them you're doing a little project for Mr. Big VIP and you'll get to it as soon as you're done. By then, they'll forget.

I love what I do but don't know how much longer I can continue doing it. People just don't value great service anymore. I just wish they'd pay me my wage upfront and then I could be a lazy, mediocre, water cooler hanger outer, like everyone else, but until they do it's important to live by these rules. I'd never make ends meet without them.

Vegas, Baby!

Well I made it through summer.

Barely.

With some extra work leading tours and living off savings I managed to get through the worst season I've ever seen in the hotel business.

I'm not optimistic that it's going to get better any time soon.

But the guys in Vegas are. Gamblers are like that.

There's an article in the LA Times about the hard times and how they've hit Vegas hard.

Read it here.

I admire their optimism and I wish them well because every bellman's dream is to work in Vegas and if they're hurting you know the rest of us are wondering if somewhere along the way we should have taken that bullshit management job.

Nah. I may have to rely on the kindness of strangers to make a living but at least I have some pride.

Wanna Buy a Hotel?

Looks like now is the time to get in the market. The St. Regis in Dana Point is on the market in a foreclosure sale The hotel is famous for hosting the big AIG bash after AIG took scads of government cash. Morons in the government, not knowing how the hotel business operates, then started to bash AIG and start a dismal death spiral in the hotel industry.

Get your credit cards ready!

Read it here!

Summer is coming

Summer used to be my least favorite time of year. All we get a transient guests (isn't it great to name your leisure travelers that same thing we call bums?) and their kids. It was too much work and too little money. These days it's the only money you make.

Car dealers used to be some of our best groups. They were personable, they tipped well and they drank a lot. Now, we don't see them. Instead we get these tech groups full of nerds with zero personality who don't tip because all they have is one wheelie with nerd clothes from The Gap and a craptop.

My hours are down to about 24 a week and in some ways I'm glad. You can't make a living but at least you're not subjected to the torture of dealing with geeks for 40 hours a week. If I wanted to do that I'd work at Best Buy.

Actually, it may come to that. Are they hiring?

Make It Stop!

Does spring break go on forever now? OH MY GOD! We have had families and kids overrunning our place for weeks now and none of the parents are happy. NONE! All they do is bitch about how they didn't get the room they requested or about how crowded the pool is or about their spouse looks like hell in a swimsuit. OK, they didn't say that last part but they thought it.

Let me tell you something people. If you'd been here a month or two ago you wouldn't have had this problem. There were never more than twenty people by the pool. Rooms were available in all locations. Why didn't you come then?

Oh, that's right. The kids were in school and you couldn't.

And whose fault is that?

Face it. Your lives are officially screwed and the agony you are now experiencing will be your family vacations for the next fifteen years. The torment will end for me in a couple of weeks but for you it will go on and on and on...

Enjoy your stay!

The ONE THING you should never buy.

Despite all the overpacking I see, people still manage to forget things when they travel. They are the lifeblood of hotel gift shops. Travelers forget combs, cosmetics, batteries, cameras, condoms. All these things are available to the absent minded tourist--at a small premium, of course.

But of all the things that travelers forget there is one thing they should NEVER buy.

A phone charger.

More than any other item people forget phone chargers. They leave them at home; they leave them at the last hotel they stayed at; they leave them with us. My god, how they leave them with us. We are overrun with phone chargers. iPod chargers are a different matter. Those don't stick around long but phone chargers are available in abundance.

At my hotel, the concierge, operators, front desk, security and bellstand all have a supply of extra phone chargers.

So if you're ever on the road and find yourself without a phone charger don't go out and buy one: just ask. I'll hook you up. You don't even have to return it.

Just don't forget the tip.